I am tired.
For no reason in particular. I’m healthy, for the most part — my back is actually feeling really good at the moment as I move *SLOWLY* back into my yoga routine. I’m really enjoying one of the two classes I’m on track to finish this term, and actually learning some important stuff in the second. (I had to drop the third. Even though I was learning some important and useful skills, it was just too much homework to integrate all three classes into my daily life.)
I will say this: I’m weary from the pandemic and being stuck in the house with a parrot. That’s a big part of it. Also, not being able to take a vacation from the day-to-day is taking a toll.
And I think taking a (temporary) larger training role at my beloved outdoor learning center is wearing thin. Don’t get me wrong, the people are wonderful (and it’s nice to interact with people again!). That said, I kind of miss my easy mornings with the birds. And I’m starting to feel a little… put upon. (See above about weariness and the lack of a vacation.) In any event, I think I’ll take a short break (for a vacation!) after the holidays when staffing levels are somewhat regular again.
Rather than fight the fatigue, I’m trying to build in more periods of rest, especially to journal… usually with my morning coffee. (It’s easier to sit down now that the weather is cooler and moodier.)
Right now I’m working in a Moleskine, but that’s about to change because I can’t find my favored journals anywhere. Maybe that’s a good thing… support a small business and break out of an existing habit, at least for a little while.
The pages are plain, because I don’t like lined paper… I tolerate dotted paper in my bullet journal, but I start to get titchy when darker marks start showing up on the page.
I haven’t always been this way. When I was in the fourth grade, my teacher made us starting working on paper without lines. I was scandalized at the time, and deeply uncomfortable with the rule change, but I was assured it was temporary so we could have a different experience on the page. I went back to lined paper as soon as I could, but over the years I’ve moved irretrievably into the plain paper camp. Thank you, Mr. Stevanus, I guess.
Anyway, my journals are not the kind that I (or anyone) should save for posterity. They’re mostly laundry lists and mini-rants about whatever is bothering me at the moment, usually something petty and irrelevant. I wish I were a person of substance in this way, but alas, I am not. I find the exercise helpful for getting stuff out of my head. I hope it prevents me from feeling the need to overshare on social media.
The one really constructive thing I do in my day-to-day journals is doodle, almost always in the lower left corner of the page. Always in pen, almost always really bad because they’re the first drawings of the day (at least that’s the reason I give… I suspect that, at least in part, it’s because my attention usually isn’t where it needs to be to do better). This dapper little dovekie turned out pretty well for what it is: a couple of minutes to warm up in the morning.
Yeah, so that’s an interesting observation… it is true that because these are generally throwaway drawings, I don’t spend very much time and attention on them — this one was no more than 5 minutes, and probably closer to 3 minutes. I wonder if one of the reasons I’m tired is that my first instinct is to go hard at everything. It’s an old habit from a long ago corporate experience, but it isn’t really needed (most of the time) in my present situation. Maybe I’m trying too hard to finish first/quickly, and it’s taking more energy than it needs to, and as a result, I’ve expended too much energy trying to be quick/perfect/right/first… exhausting.
OK, so maybe my goal for the next part of my life is to slow down enough to spend more time and attention on tasks that would benefit from a more intentional interaction… including my journal marginalia.
Hmmm…. gonna go journal about that.
Carmen Yount 