Burnout

I grew up in a family full of pathologically busy people. Probably some coping mechanism there, along with the internalized Puritanical admonishment against “idle hands.”

So I did school + after school activities (sports/theater/music), went to church twice a week, threw homework and flute practice into the mix, spent time with friends. I also took a bunch of dance classes (which was the thing I really loved).

When I got older (in college), I was in school. I worked. I volunteered with my church youth group.

I was not idle. But I was so tired.

By the time I graduated high school, I was exhausted. By the time I graduated college, I was struggling with suicidal ideation.

And then I spent more than a decade working for a company doing election work, which meant weird, exhausting schedules for months at a time, while working with a management team that, um, was not great. During that time I developed an autoimmune disease, and then I lost the ability to sleep more than three hours at a time… for several months.

I was not idle… but I was falling apart.

I left that job more than a decade ago, and thought I was done with that part of my existence… but apparently not. My mother came for short visit earlier this summer, and by the time she left, I could barely move.

It had nothing to do with my mom’s visit — it was a wonderful to see her and we did some really fun things. In other words, there was nothing about it that should have caused that kind of reaction.

I mentioned to my therapist that I was feeling completely burned out, and I couldn’t figure out why. When we took a peak through the last 18 months, though, things became clearer:

• In January 2022, Lilo, our 16-year-old, little dog, got very sick. She had kidney disease and pancreatitis, and in addition to hospital stays, we were at the vet a couple of times a week for fluids for several months, until she passed in October.
• When she passed, I was in the middle of a master naturalist course, and trying to get into graduate school.
• After a fun trip to Las Vegas in December, we spent a couple of weeks being pretty sick (not Covid, but maybe RSV) over the holidays.
• I took a kidlit course (amazing, but a lot more work than I anticipated) starting in early January.
• I started graduate school in mid-January.
• Lucy came home in late January. (Lucy is wonderful, but she threw a wrench into what was supposed to be a carefully managed schedule.)
• After dropping one of my grad classes (to accommodate Lucy) in early Feb., I started a coding certificate course in April.
• The Americorps person at the Outdoor Learning Center where I volunteer left in April, so a bunch of us had to pitch in a little bit more to get through the school year — I had originally planned to do one event, I ended up doing three events and holding down the fort for a construction project for 2 more days (in addition to my regularly scheduled volunteer shifts).
• Took Lucy to puppy kindergarten (2 classes, each 4 weeks).
• I was cooking five nights a week… composed meals. (Why?)
• Finished grad school school term #1 in mid-May.
• Finished the first coding class, mid-June.
• Mom came to visit, end of June 2023.

So, uh, yeah, I am burned out.

Again.

I’m proud of my ability to power through during emergencies. I seem to be unable to manage my schedule in such a way that leaves space for the unexpected, though, and that has become a problem. I think my body has probably never really been great at perpetual motion (see suicidal ideation, and inability to sleep), but as I get older it takes a lot longer to recover from the fatigue, and that recovery seems to be accompanied by some unpleasant physical symptoms (GI issues this time around… whee?).

How do people avoid this? I never learned this adulting skill, and I need to figure it out.

I read something helpful on Instagram(?) earlier this summer. The poster suggested that burnout is not managed by taking a break; it gets fixed when you create a more sustainable structure for your life. So let’s try that.

I’m heading into the fall still in recovery mode, with a reduced school schedule (one class instead of two), along with a coding class. Once I finish the coding certificate, I’ll start adding in another graduate class.

I’ll keep volunteering once or twice (but mostly once) a week with the birds, because I like that (and it helps me maintain my master naturalist certification).

And I’ll try to figure out how to eat without pain. (Working with my doctor on that!)

Non-calendared (is that even a word?) priorities include more training with Lucy (who is getting quite good at working with her tunnel, and the ball, and a platform). Her recall is improving, and she’s starting to get the hang of “stay” — at nine months old, she is just starting to get to the point where she can focus on us enough to take treats when she’s away from the house, so I think more leash training is high on the list of our priorities with her.

The other non-calendared priority: journaling and drawing.

And figuring out how to adult without burning out.